Show newer

I swear some folks boost the most peculiar of posts of mine here 👀 Not complaining but it's interesting lmao

Don't ask why I ain't tagging but it's trending so there's the tag. What's no playing for me is just looking for more and more deconstructing Christianity songs to add to this thread, with a bunch already.

(Reposted to capitalise the hashtag)

Show thread

asking for help 

hey, lovelies

You know I hate being a colossal burden, but I'm quite tapped out and could really use a hand with groceries for the next coming weeks.

Anything you could kick into the bucket hat I'm always eternally thankful for

cash.me/$somarasu
paypal.me/c4rtwright
venmo.com/somarasu

Love y'all! 💖

asking for money help, please boost :boost_ok: 

hello!

i need $80 to order groceries and $60 for medical weed

$140 in total

i have to work from home because i have asthma and catching covid is a major health risk for me. i'm currently searching for remote jobs now

i'm gonna put my full focus towards that, so no more freelance video editing or etsy shop for the moment. please help me survive in the meantime

paypal: paypal.me/v33b33

cashapp: cash.app/$vantablack420

venmo: venmo.com/vantablack420

liberapay: liberapay.com/v4nt4bl4ck

thank you so much for saving my life multiple times and continuing to keep me alive, fediverse!!! :blacker_heart_outline: :black_sparkles_outline:

#MutualAid #TransCrowdFund​

// Christian trauma

On a different note.. yea.. if a god or god(s) do exist.. that is the sort of God(s) that I could accept.. they must be really fucking wasted over what people do in the name of God, and that people think the most abusive concept of a God is the one.

This song, "Drugs with God" by Marisa Maino, hits in a totally different way.
youtu.be/MkkbC33CySc

Show thread

// Christian trauma

OMFG, here's another country song about deconstructing Christianity by Rhett McLaughlin, aka James and the Shame, called "Believe Me".
youtu.be/pNLFPkc69OI

Show thread

And then twisting songs about religious trauma to be about how hey Jesus loves you.

Are you that oblivious? Heard and understood absolutely nothing about what the songs say? You just invalidate our fucking trauma.

Show thread

Fact that Christians see "church" in the song Tale My To Church and immediately think it's for them.

Nope it's about calling out the fucking church!

Show thread

// Christian trauma

Damn I love this country song about deconstructing Christianity by a queer person 🥰.

It's not country that I hate, it's the fucking trash 90% of country folk are, and if they themselves there is no proof of being trash.. they still are guilty by fucking association.
vm.tiktok.com/ZMNbA4rFj/?k=1

Show thread

Big vent, trauma dumping so on, drama. 3/5 

I just respond with something completely different, just again hoping to distract away from it.. they double down though I'm not listening and well ok I'll someday see the truth.

And they also send an empty email titled "God's Not Dead".

I didn't respond.

The thing that I responded hoping to distract away from, well it was the whole thing that I thought I could even do this with email, have this particular distraction, that I don't want to speak about, but I really thought that no matter what, that distraction would give me something to keep them in check with about. And I thought a few days would go by and I'd have another tbing to be able to say to them and just well maybe pass far from that.

But well.. few days later, that distraction fucked up, and just gone was just any reason to feel even capable of communicating with them, because well I tell them what went down, the not good news, well they're just goong to double down again aren't they. So that was that.

Back to my second fried.. I let curiosity get the better of me.

So I have an alt Fecebook account that thanks to that I'd learnt it was actually a block though they'd blocked that account too and everything, and they went through being deactivated and reactivated and everything and well the block didn't bother me or anything as well I "understood".

But then well.. I used to use Messenger Lite for my alt account and well if you have any knowledge of Messenger lite what that's like.. you probably know about how weird it is with the contacts.

Thanks to Messenger lite I'd seen what I thought was another account of my friend's, as I recognised them in the pic, though I was also blocked on both accounts from that.

Where I let my curiosity really give me a fucking shock.

I create a new Facebook account to use as a secret account thay well literally impossible for anyone to find out that blank picture empty profile named Jase Wolf out of 100s of same is actually me.

So I do that, because as was as seeing their accounts in private browsing,it looks as if they're deactivated.

Buut I go to those account urls from inside the Facebook app signed into that secret hiding behind my name account..

I learn.. that isn't another account of theirs. It's well who from what it looks like, their boyfriend's of the past 5 years or so, well at least that they've at least known each other.

See there was lovey dovey talk during the peak of when we talked.. and well.. sure no, it had always been clear we were friends.. but gosh if I'd fricken known I'd of not gotten as closeness levels as I had, and well just the way they let me.. it stung.

But well, that actually, through the initial shock.. that I can forgive and well I'm not blaming them at all or anything and just that's not what bothers me.

It's the fact that the whole ordeal obviously must of been they sensed I got close, so they did all that with deactivating their Facebook, later reactivating but me blocked, and talk instead on Insta, until whatever.

And just well whatever it's not that as such alone. It's the very fact that that other account was not another account of theirs, and it'd blocked me.

I tbh would like to believe that maybe they got a hold of their phone and blocked me in the process, so it was THEM that blocked me. But them telling that person something about me, a reason to block me, just that sits so uneasy.

After all, that I talk about friends not revealing who they are and everything, not even revealing gender or pronouns they use.. yet that's what I discover in return?

I should never of found that out. They'd probably thought I'd never find that out, and I wouldn't have if it wasn't for bloody Messenger lite out of the blue popping that other person's account, with my friend as their picture, in the contacts list.

The fact that I let curiosity get me.. just fuck sake.

I had one possible way I could contact them.. which I wasn't supposed to have.. which happened through them accidentally exposing that through me sending them a google doc they then requested access permission too because I'd not set the permissions correctly. (Be mindful that exposed your gmail address to the google doc creator when you request access).

I had a mind to use that.. but I didn't as well maybe someone else would, but that's not me.. and just what would come about that when I'd previously anyway come to terms and actually felt not actually wanting to have them contact again, because I want to just don't want what I can still smile about that friendship to be ruined.

And well so, anyway, that's that.

Show thread

Big vent, trauma dumping so on, drama. 2/5 

My first friend, they came back to right their shitty behaviour, their disrespect, make up for it. I just felt so on the edge but something just made me just not able to say no to seeing how things go with making amends.

What helped was they compared to the same time last year when their response to my eagerness of them watching Miraculous, they felt it was too childish for them (even though there they were watching SpongeBob 👀).. this time they gave Miraculous a chance and well they fell in love with it and bam constant Miraculous talk.

What really told me they were being for real, where conversation about one of the characters, what is special about them.. and my friend turned around and basically came out to me with that thing I'd just mentioned about why that character was special. Pretty much from that second I realised.. hold on.. fuck you really do mean it.. it just clicked. I actually that moment said about the whole deal with Mili about zir coming out as queer and with she/ze pronouns partly out of spite of them being an ass then, and they were over the moon with that one of the things about Mili that they are.. that I obviously sensed it.

Kind of just let my feelings completely go full completely free again from then, and yea, back to being close as anything.

We start talking on Telegram little bits and then bam they deactivate their Insta, and it kind of hit then just like feeling just lost that what do we do as just that's the thing with Insta with messaging, can just be there constantly sharing posts and so, and when stepped away, and just doing that same thing you do links instead, just it felt weird, especially that they'd come away from Insta for a reason.

Talk more and more on Telegram which frankly, is my favourite messenger app I've used.. though fuck do I hate the fact that on the option to delete messages, or the whole conversation, you can tick to delete for the other person. Seriously.. avoid having fallouts with friendships over fucking Telegram as it just takes the other pwrson to make that ass move and just as someone that does not delete chats, that fucking hurts hard.. fucking hurt hard back when Instagram used to hide chat conversations after someone deactivated.. retrievable again for two weeks from using the inbox search bar.. but after seemingly deleted.. until they removed that behaviour and I had a flood of those supposedly deleted chats come back as they were just actually just hidden.

Anyway, talking more, they go on about how they're basically making an exception with me that the reason they deactivated their Insta was because they just couldn't keep at it with these amazing people online that they could never meet. But me, they couldn't let me go again.

Well, until through talking in March that they responded to me talking about I dreamt that I travelled with them around Europe then over to Canada with them where they want to move to..

They responded along the lines that it's a nice dream and thought but that they'd only plan a life in love only with a Christian. And then they doubled down on.. "If I was a Christian", that they would take me.

That fucking hurt. I just lost it through that. They asked me back in January about me and Christianity and all, and said my thoughts and well it sounded like they got it then and that was that that this wasn't going to be a problem at all.

But nope this moment forward they just went all Christian. And just it came about from it that I was feeling like I went around it wrong, that I mad ethings worse how I reacted and I tried so much to set things right and all.. but then they're like well they have their life, I can't support them but don't be shy, "program me like a bot and I will obey you" so and so, basically implying that they're there for me to use them for my happiness, that they have their world, but they can be whatever in my world.

I obviously having none of that, as fuck sake, what am I.. we need to be equals. Goes past this that at first things feel like ok, maybe this is a fight that won't do anything and isn't a make or break of this bond.

But then a week later of well less talk.. and whatever talk it was, as in their responses, it all just felt not genuine, just putting it on. Week later and they're stopping using Telegram that they just can't do this but we can stay talking over email, not comstant but whenever I want a voice to listen they're there.

Well.. that goes on for almost around 11 days, after them wanting me to keep in contact sending at least something daily. Which I did. They silent for a few days after sending something a bit concerning, and then when they do again respond, they sent a whole long message about how much it pains them they can't save my soul and everything, just again going all Christian.

Show thread

Big vent, trauma dumping so on, drama. 1/5 

I'm just so confused in how to feel, how to make of anything right now.

Sooo.. September 2020 I start talking to this friend and get very close. They in January make me realise I'm demiromantic.

January I have this other friendship start, whom I helped them realise they're a lot like me sexuality/romantic/gender wise. Later on this friendship becomes supportive through the first friendship becoming emotionally abusive.

That first friendship becomes just distanced but still, talking terms and all and well sharing cute posts and all to eachother terms.

April, I'm talking more to that second friend more amd more on one Fecebook messenger. And just as I'm starting to feel closer to that friend, they suddenly say we can't talk anymore and all and bam they deactivate.

Few things happen from me just not being in a right state of mind that I'm not talking about here.

Couple nights after they come message me on Instagram, say family discovered their Facebook or something and the friendships and so, the reasoning behind that sudden break in contact.

We back talking, though not without me saying what went on and things. And that friendship just carries on from their growing stronger and actually all about Miraculous, they become my Miraculous friend because they love Miraculous, I love Miraculous, do it was non stop Miraculous, as well as non stop Zepeto and Picrew too.

Late May comes up, still talking terms with the first friend.. well until I fall out with them over transphobia that just was the final nail in what had been bad dreams for ages and doubt.. that I didn't want answered as right.

I was then like whatever at that point, disappointed as hell and of course upset but at least I had that second friend who I'd grown closer to a lot.

June comes up, I choose to have my character Mili come out as bigender, bisexual and aromantic, going by pronouns she/her and ze/zir partially out of spite of that first friend that Mili is based on.. though also as to give Mili more of zir own identity not so tied to that friend.

Throughout the summer, talking to that second friend. Though start of August they have to disappear again, deactivate their Instagram. Asked me out of the blue how to. I say as just no point not saying. Don't ask why, because I understood, well thought I did, family, it not being safe for them.

Two weeks later, they reactivate, only intended as temporary, to ask me something, which I honestly can't talk about what but it really felt like a punch.. which I didn't realise so much then but I do now.

They intended to go just after but then discover you have to wait a week to deactivate again after reactivating. So.. I'm talking everything Miraculous back as before with them for a week.. and then 7 days pass and bam just suddenly in the middle of talking, they deactivate. And that's the last I hear.

Heck I shouldn't of been surprised that heck that whole summer of talking was more than it originally was going to be until they started talking to me on Instagram, which again actually I'm sure they asked me things then, and just thought to continue talking and everything. But just, it did sting a lot.

But I've since that been at the feeling well actually I hope you don't come back, as I want to keep in my mind a memory of them that brings me joy, and well yes.. that friendship, it kind of still does, their Zepeto characters I created them, where they had two sides, a kitty and a devilish side, it still brings smiles, and I want to keep that.

Though I couldn't keep featuring their characters in posts, as it just felt off.

My character of Red Riding Hood, which I created back when I first started using Zepeto because well every wolf needs their own Red Riding Hood. October, I gave Red a devilish new look, the look she has now.. that felt so good, kind of taking the place of what my friend's devilish character had, which did soften the blow there with not wanting to use said characters anymore because it just felt off...

September, October, November, I'm just busy invested back in doing website stuff, completely reworking the PHP scripts and my whole server setup and everything as I was changing from my dedicated server I'd used previously since Nov 2019, to my VPS I now use for that stuff. (Run this instance currently on Oracle Cloud).

December, I get back fully invested in Miraculous fanfics again and just everything, which had me occupied until middle January when I had the thing I just didn't think would happen happen.

Show older
Republic of Queerland

You are now entering the Republic of Queerland, home to Howly City and the quaint island town of Wolfville. Please travel safely.